What Does PND Feel Like
PND feels like a fog.
A thick grey fog that you’re barley able to see your own hand in.
It feels like being trapped in a sealed container.
PND has no perception of time.
It panics that an hour has gone.
But it was 5 minutes.
Four months can disappear.
PND is void of precious memories,
and magic moments.
It’s a desperate cry for clear head space.
Air to breathe.
With more than one child,
PND is a wildly swinging bungee chord.
Gripping onto sanity long enough to deal with ‘have to’s.
Or expending a days energy just trying for a moment to be patient and kind.
PND is the happy face,
that momentarily appeared, before retreating.
Alone, it’s without expression.
No desire to be seen or heard.
PND is picking up your baby to feed them,
Without wanting to see them.
It’s longing to run and hide.
When you hear them scream.
PND is a free fall.
Not a smash and burn.
And you want the fall to stop.
The fall slows down.
The blur of scenery starts to make sense.
There’s a glimpse of colour.
A single ray of sunlight.
There’s a tiny shift in the way you see your day.
A break through in the realm of possibility.
Something made you happy.
A random thought, you’d like to meet someone.
Recovery is finding moments when your head is above the surface.
Without the panic that in the next instant you might drown.
It’s actually feeling it might be possible to go out together.
Even if it’s 40 minutes, and it’s just a coffee.
Recovery is a renewal of the concept of time.
An hour is an hour.
A day a day.
Seeing the difference between reality and anxiety.
Recovery is laughing.
Recovery is enjoying a hobby.
Finding a new one.
Able to stay.
Not needing to hide.
Recovery is seeing things for what they are.
Taking steps to change.
Suddenly surprised you’re far from where you were.
Recovery is a day.
Then a fortnight.
Maybe a month.
I’m still recovering.
If you’re suffering or have suffered from PND, burn-out or depression, check out these 26 Steps to Recovery for burn-out, depression and PND… An A-Z – from my heart to you.