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What Does PND Feel Like

 

PND feels like a fog.

A thick grey fog that you’re barley able to see your own hand in.

It feels like being trapped in a sealed container.

It’s numb.

 

PND has no perception of time.

It panics that an hour has gone.

But it was 5 minutes.

Four months can disappear.

 

PND is void of precious memories,

and magic moments.

It’s a desperate cry for clear head space.

Air to breathe.

 

What Does PND Feel Like

With more than one child,

PND is a wildly swinging bungee chord.

Gripping onto sanity long enough to deal with ‘have to’s.

Or expending a days energy just trying for a moment to be patient and kind.

 

PND is the happy face,

that momentarily appeared, before retreating.

Alone, it’s without expression.

No desire to be seen or heard.

 

PND is picking up your baby to feed them,

Without wanting to see them.

It’s longing to run and hide.

When you hear them scream.

 

Not coping.

Collapsing.

Not wanting.

Unable.

 

PND is a free fall.

Not a smash and burn.

Falling.

And you want the fall to stop.

 

The fall slows down.

The blur of scenery starts to make sense.

There’s a glimpse of colour.

A single ray of sunlight.

 

What Does PND Feel Like

There’s a tiny shift in the way you see your day.

A break through in the realm of possibility.

Something made you happy.

A random thought, you’d like to meet someone.

 

Recovery is finding moments when your head is above the surface.

Without the panic that in the next instant you might drown.

It’s actually feeling it might be possible to go out together.

Even if it’s 40 minutes, and it’s just a coffee.

 

Recovery is a renewal of the concept of time.

An hour is an hour.

A day a day.

Seeing the difference between reality and anxiety.

 

Recovery is laughing.

Loving.

Breathing.

Coping.

 

Recovery is enjoying a hobby.

Finding a new one.

Able to stay.

Not needing to hide.

 

Recovery is seeing things for what they are.

Taking steps to change.

Horizontal motion.

Suddenly surprised you’re far from where you were.

 

Recovery is a day.

Then another.

A week.

Then a fortnight.

 

Maybe a month.

I’m still recovering.

 

What Does PND Feel Like

If you’re suffering or have suffered from PND, burn-out or depression, check out these 26 Steps to Recovery for burn-out, depression and PND… An A-Z – from my heart to you.

 

What Does PND Feel Like

Linking this post with #AllAboutYou#ShareWithMe; #TheTruthAbout; #BrilliantBlogPosts; #SHINEbloghop; #PoCoLo & #WeekendBlogHop

 

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40 Comments

  1. Lidiar con una depresión postparto lejos de casa - Little World Citizens

  2. I was convinced I’d commented on this last week Steph! It’s a beautiful piece of poetry and description of what PND is like and what it’s like to come out the other side. Thanks so much for linking up with #thetruthabout X

  3. A lovely post huni … rang true for me as a long time sufferer.

    Was Diagnosed when Agent M was 3 months old and i’m still going through the recovery process but its posts like this from other people going through the same thing that makes me feel less alone and like there is something wrong with me.

    Thanks xxx

    #BrillaintBlogPost

  4. It is an incredibly beautiful post Steph! You’re a very good writer… I never managed to put words on PND and how I felt during this dark period of my life, you just did it for me. Thank you so much for shedding some light on something so many women experience but are too ashamed to talk about.

    • Charlotte, thank you so much for your beautiful comment. I couldn’t imagine anything better to come of this post than sharing my heart with someone who is going through, or has gone through this fog. We’re so far from being alone in this experience.

  5. What a beautifully written post and you have summed PND up perfectly. You are a strong person after going through so much and well done on where you are. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo and I am sending you lots of hugs xx

  6. This moved me so much, thank you for sharing your personal story that is so universal to so many. I had a traumatic first birth and although no one thought I had PND as in the doctors, I had a tough time, one of the bleakest of my life. Sharing provides others with hope, the feeling they are not alone. Honoured to have you link up to #brilliantblogposts x

    • Thank you Vicki <3
      My little guys birth was a traumatic one. Some months later my sister talked to me about the shock that can follow a particularly traumatic or painful experience. She said that many people who go through a heart attack suffer from this kind of shock afterwards. I don't think we're particularly good at being attentive to how women can feel after giving birth. It is a painful, often traumatic experience, and the fact that it's followed by something as awesome as becoming a mother doesn't necessarily erase everything else we've gone through.
      Hugs to you too hun x

  7. A stunningly beautiful and evocative post! One of my best friends is on this journey right now and it’s incredibly helpful to hear others like yourself, sharing experiences. My friend is just beginning the recovery that is ‘finding moments when your head is above the surface’! Thank you for sharing your journey and for giving hope to those that are stumbling in the fog and understanding to those that are trying to help loved ones find their way out of the storm. #AllAboutYou

  8. Such a beautifully written description of the reality of PND – I can relate to so much of this – the lines about the happy face appearing momentarily and wanting to run and hide when you hear your baby scream particularly had resonance. I love the way you have ended it with so much hope by describing your road to recovery, the moments of feeling like your head is above water again and the way time regains meaning. I’m so glad that you are on the road to recovery and hope that things continue to look brighter for you. Thank you so much for sharing.

    • Thank you so much for your comment Louise.
      I thought it was going to be so hard writing this post. But it’s the comments that are bringing me to tears. I hope you can relate to recovery too <3

  9. Thanks for this beautifully written post. I’m sure it will bring a lot of comfort to someone Googling PND at 4 AM and wondering if there’s ever been anyone who’s felt like she does.

    Found you on the #SHINEbloghop

  10. Oh hunny you are so brae and strong for sharing your story. I love how you have written this and I know many that have gone through PND and know that they searched blogs for peace of mind that they were not alone in their feelings so I think it’s great that you share this and hope others do too. We can all help each other by sharing our life experiences both good and bad. You describe your recovery so amazingly beautiful.Lots of love from me sending to you! Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

    • Thanks Jenny. It’s important that people hear, not ‘my story’, but a real story. Imagine how much support we could be to each other if we understood that we’re not alone when we feel our most alone. And that a friend could start to understand even when we don’t have words to explain.

    • No, recovery isn’t an off switch is it.
      Huge hugs to you lovely lady, and don’t forget to celebrate all the moments there’s colour in your day and joy in your heart.
      We give ourselves time to heal and the return on that will be unimaginable <3

  11. What an enlightening read, from one who thankfully hasn’t suffered it makes it more understandable and every bit as scary as I might have imagined. Thank goodness there is light at the end of the tunnel, stay strong to hit that full recovery.

  12. Beautiful. Definitely know how it feels about feeding your baby – I sometimes felt like if I didn’t breastfeed him then I wouldn’t ever be near him at all. There is light at the end of the tunnel…eventually! x

  13. This is such a well written and accurate description of PND. I had PND after my second child was born and was in councelling for about 18 months. I went through ante-natal depression when I was pregnant with my third. This post speaks to my soul.

    ”Recovery is finding moments when your head is above the surface” and ”Recovery is laughing”

    I read those lines over and over again because I always felt like PND was like treading water and just trying to stay afloat. It was exhausting. I think I am still recovering too.

    Thank you for this post. Sending you positivity and hugs xx

    • Thank you Sarah for your comment, your support, your openness and honesty. It’s just horrible… Not the way we want our lives to be. And I think recovery is a long long process. But that also means that ages after, when we think we’re so much better… Life is still going to get even better.
      It’s like the Spring coming after the longest winter, yes it’s getting into Spring, but there’s going to be Summer after that too <3

  14. Hun, you are so strong writing about your experience of PND and describing so beautifully your road to recovery. Sending you loads of virtual hugs xxxxx

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