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Miscarriage at 10 weeks

…We lost our Baby

This is when we were supposed to say, I’m pregnant!

That life with three apparently isn’t crazy enough.

That there’s space on our knees for another.

That we’ve moved out the tent poles of our hearts and lengthened the chords.

That our little man is going to be a big brother.

…That this little baby is loved and longed for.

 

I’m exhausted.

I’m confused.

Right now, I’m not going to be comforted.

There are no words that are going to help me.

 

10 weeks.

’You might start to notice your clothes are a little tighter.’

I’d already cleaned out half the trousers in my wardrobe!

 

’Spend a few calm minutes a day, thinking about what is to come.’

Check.

 

’By this week all of your baby’s vital organs have formed and are working together.’

…What good has all this reading done me?

 

Where is the baby I’ve been reading about?

Every development.

Every sign that our baby was there.

Where has my baby gone?

 

Right now, there’s mourning where there was joy.

There’s emptiness and disorientation.

There’s pain and sadness, and there’s loss.

 

It’s standing in a space full of nothing;

and not knowing where to turn.

 

This is for you,

If these shoes are your shoes,

this is for you.

If these shoes were your shoes,

this is for you.

 

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

I’m so, so sorry

<3

 

Miscarriage at 10 weeks. We lost our baby.

Linking Miscarriage at 10 weeks with #SHINEblogHop; #WednesdayBlogHop; #ShareWithMe

 

71 Comments

  1. I am SOOO very sorry for you lost hunny. Sending virtual hugs to you now. I can’t imagine what you are feeling but you are strong and brave for sharing your story and those that can relate know they aren’t the only ones. While that’s not comforting time will heal and your baby is in heaven watching over you always. Big hugs. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

  2. So very sad; I can’t even begin to imagine the sorrow and the pain … there are no words to console … how does one commiserate in such loss.
    I pray you’re all comforted as you walk through this painful place and find a way through.
    #PoCoLo

    • Thank you Caroline.
      It’s just horrible, horrible, horrible. But there are so many of us that know exactly how it feels; and that needs some recognition too x
      The more we put words to all of this horribleness the easier it is to stand beside each other as people we know go through it <3
      ...Utterly heartbreaking.

  3. I am so sorry to read this Steph, you have taken me back to when I was in the hospital 14 years ago and a nurse told me the same thing at 12 weeks :(I still remember how I burst into floods of tears as she carried on with her job. I know how you are feeling right now 🙁 Your right there are no words that can help you at the minute…

    I got through it by thinking it was not the right time but it took me a while to get there, … Later I had 2 more healthy children.. Take care lovely xx

  4. I’m so very sorry for your loss….I don’t know what else to say… I miscarried at 7 weeks after my first born and it was devastating. Physically and emotionally it was draining….
    Sending lots of virtual hugs to and your family xxxxxxxx #ShareWithMe

    • Thanks Maria, it really is a huge support to understand that you’re just not alone in this. That there are so many women out there, like yourself who know exactly how I’m feeling, exactly how horrible and draining this is. Thank you for writing x

  5. It won’t ease your pain, but I am so very sorry for your loss. Hopefully the support from others can carry you through the pain to acceptance. It’s not an easy journey. xx

    • Thank you Kate. I think words are important. Just ’I’m sorry’ might be the most helpful, healing words I’ve heard.
      Thank you x

  6. I know that when I miscarried there were no words that could take away the pain, but knowing that people were thinking of me and cared enough to write the words at such a tough time was a comfort.

    So I just wanted to write to say I’m thinking of you at this tough time, you aren’t alone, and that time will be a healer.

    Take care x

    • Thank you.
      I think the words help, I really do, even though there is nothing that can be said that heals, people’s hearts and prayers can be balm to the soul x

  7. This was heartbreaking to read, but sometimes words are the very best healer. Let out your thoughts. My own experience was a time when I didn’t use my words, and it made it so much harder when they were all swirling around in my head. I wish you all the best.

    #PoCoLo

  8. Oh Steph, I am so very sorry to hear this. Beautifully written – I feel your pain and I don’t know what to say to make it better. Thinking of you and big hugs xxx

  9. Such a sad, and yet touching post. I am so sorry for your loss. My mother had a stillborn baby when I was younger and then my ”adopted” brother and his wife had a stillborn baby last year. It is hard, but it is glorious to realize that one day we will see them again! I am praying for you. Blessings, Sarah (visiting from Radical Femininity)

    • Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry to read that.
      There’s nothing anyone can say that takes away any of the pain, but standing beside each other is all we can do, and we need to do that.
      Thank you x

  10. So terribly sorry to hear you’ve lost a baby. I, too, have experienced miscarriage. And, if anyone starts any sentences that start with ”At least…” just tune them out – they obviously haven’t experienced the loss of a baby and are groping for whatever positive thing they can think to say and there’s nothing positive about it. One thing that did help me was I named my babies and wrote them each a letter telling them how much I loved them and wished I’d met them. The worst thing, for me, was feeling like they died without knowing that I loved them – so the letter helped a lot.

    • Thank you Amanda x
      The letter is a beautiful idea; any way we can find to process the love and the loss that we’re filled with is valuable and important x

  11. I am sorry to hear this. I too have been there. It’s a hard time. I found comfort in…my supportive family, walking (fresh air & exercise was the only thing that could get my mind a tiny bit off the pain), knowing that my Savior loves me and that He has a plan.

  12. Oh lovely Steph. I am so terribly saddened and sorrow to read this. Our own road to children was a long and troubled one and I understand that there’s nothing anyone can say to help. Sending you a virtual hug. Look after each other xx

  13. HI Steph. We’re so sorry about you losing the baby. That’s so difficult. We can understand. Please let us know if we can do anything. Hugs to you.

  14. Fina Steph! Tänker på dig och Mattias! Vilken sorg. Modigt av dig att skriva om det. Stora kramar!

  15. I’m so, so sorry for you Steph. It’s an awful thing to happen and I wish it hadn’t. I’m glad you wrote about it though – the more you do, the more others will feel it’s okay to grieve openly about something so devastating.

  16. Steph,

    I am so saddened by this news. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you and the fam love and huge hugs.

  17. Oh my honey, my heart goes out to you. I am so, so sorry. I wish you lived closer. I’d come to give you a hug. Thinking of you loads xxx

  18. My thoughts go out to you and your family at such a difficult time. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through due to my own experiences. I have unfortunately had 3 miscarriages at 11, 7 and 9 weeks over the past two years. It’s so hard going through each one, but our love for wanting a baby keeps us going. It has brought me and my husband so much closer and one day I am positive it will happen for us. I have got to keep thinking like that.

    I am thinking of you in this difficult time xx

  19. I’m so sorry to hear this news. There are no words that can make it better. But I just wanted to say I’m so sorry and sad for you. You are so brave to share this news in such a poignant way and I hope that sharing through your writing and with your friends helps you to come to terms with your loss. Much love. x

    • Thank you Rosie x
      I am starting to realize that saying it; actually saying it (or, ok writing it… Because I don’t seem to be able to ’talk’ about it at all) it makes it feel real. Not just a horrible dream; not removed from reality. Real.

  20. Oh Steph, I am so very, very sorry to read this. I have seen and read many of these over the last year or so. Please know that you are not alone – even though it feels like you are the only one in the world right now. I’m thinking of you and sending all my love, support and strength at such a difficult time xx

  21. I have been there. 3 times I’ve been there.

    It doesn’t help to keep quiet, in my experience. But lots of people won’t know what to say.

    It’s hard. Harder than I expected. Harder physically too, your body gets confused. Be kind to yourself, take time to heal. Thinking of you.

    • Thank you Jax x
      I’m so so sorry to read this <3
      Your advise is thoughtful and wise.
      Huge huge hugs to you lovely lady.

  22. Oh honey, I don’t know what to say. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Even under the most difficult circumstances you write so incredibly. I am sending you virtual hugs, because that is all I can so, but I wish I could give you a real one. All my love darling xxxxx

    • Thanks Aby x
      I understand now, I’m not going to be able to read a single comment here without tears filling my eyes or streaming down my cheeks <3
      Thank you lovely lady. Thank you.

  23. Darling Steph,

    My heart is breaking for you. I am crying for you. I do know that nothing I say can change what’s happened or make you feel any better right now. In time it will help to have this to fall back on, it will help to lean on and have the support from your friends. All of us, here for you beautiful, sweet Steph. So brave of you to write this my love. I’m sorry this is ’just a comment’ and not real life because I would be giving you the biggest hug right now. So very sorry. Lots of love. Amy xxx

  24. Oh Steph, you are right, there are no words.
    But there are vibes, you and your family are getting my love this evening.

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